A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
