my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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