I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
