I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
