oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize