Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I love you.
Bad choice
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
