you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I take back everything I said about communal showers
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
