I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
