he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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