I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
