Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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