Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize