ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
