Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
