you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
