When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
