How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
