It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You have to summon your inner elephant
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
