life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
