Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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