____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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