i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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