i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
