It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
