I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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