I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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