thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
My liver just broke up with me...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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