I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
