my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
