Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
