literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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