Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
