maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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