She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
