im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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