I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
