she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
