I hate all girls vehemently.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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