wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
