my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
