Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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