All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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