Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
