I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
