I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
