I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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