I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it's like heaven, but drunker
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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