pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
