it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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