'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
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