listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize