everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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