Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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