I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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