fuck your aforementioned shoe
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
