Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
