If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
