he was CRYING into my vagina
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
