Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
