You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
send nudes
from the living room?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
