She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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